According to Our Bond: Defining Stages in the CASA/Child Relationship

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As a Court Appointed Special Advocate, you face a paradox at the very heart of your relationship with your child. On the one hand, you must form a strong attachment so that you can speak for him or her in court. On the other hand, you must remain neutral and objective so that you can separate from her at the end of the case without causing heartache or loss.

Are such mutually exclusive goals possible to achieve? Yes, but only if you pay attention to the special qualities characteristic of three distinct stages of the relationship between CASA and child. These stages are: resistance to attachment at the beginning; definition of personal boundaries in the middle; and the complicated emotions of loss at the end.

Stage One: Resistance to Attachment
Children who have already suffered serious losses do not feel safe trusting a new person in their lives. Some are too damaged to form a secure bond at all. Others may begin to trust, but small events can destroy the fragile new bond as it is forming. If you do succeed in developing a bond, you will be able support your child through the long and difficult process of beginning to take responsibility for his or her own life.

At the Summer 1998 Volunteer Training, Brandy, a former foster youth, and Pam Olson, her former SFCASA, told the class about their relationship. Brandy remembered how she felt before she met Pam. "I didn't want to have a CASA," she told the group. "I thought it would be just another person messing around in my life. Pam said she was going to help me, but I had to see if she really meant it. So if we set up an appointment, I wouldn't be there. I would go AWOL."

"What was going on inside of you when you stood her up?" a curious volunteer asked. "Didn't you understand that she was trying to help?" "I had to test her," Brandy answered. "I had to find out what she was about and if she'd really be there for me, or if she would give up on me just like everyone else had. I wanted to be with my friends. I was drinking, using drugs. I'd get kicked out of my group homes for having fights with other kids."

"So what did Pam do that made a difference?"

"She kept coming back. Every time I had to move, she'd be there to help me pack. She just showed up, no matter what. I could tell she cared, not because she told me what to do, but because she was there when I needed her. And she never hovered. Another girl in my group home had a CASA who would sit in her car out in front of the school every morning to make sure the girl really went. So the girl would go in the front door and right out the back. The two of them never really bonded because the CASA was just another policeman in her life.

"But Pam was honest with me. She kept telling me what I had to do to succeed in life. And I kept doing the opposite, to test her. Until I was sure it was safe."

Stage Two: Developing the Bond
A "bond" does not have to refer to an intimate, all-consuming relationship. When Cordelia told her father in Shakespeare's play, King Lear, "I love your Majesty according to my bond, no more, nor less," he became furious, because he wanted her to make a flowery and exaggerated declaration of her love. Cordelia understood the deeper truth, that meaningful relationships can be defined by formal rules and boundaries.

Pam helped Brandy by being patient, by not intruding on Brandy, and by not letting Brandy intrude on her. Pam validated Brandy's reality without trying to punish her or rescue her, without making her a villain or a victim. Pam went into Brandy's world and saw what it was really like.

"There weren't any activities in these group homes," Pam told the class of potential volunteers. "The stimulation was watching TV." Brandy agreed. "The reason we got in trouble was that that gave everybody something to do. You break a rule, and for the next two days, everybody is yelling at you. It breaks the boredom."

Pam understood that Brandy needed time to take responsibility for her life. "Sometimes Brandy would go to school for a couple of weeks and things would seem stable, and she would almost get frightened. If things were going to unravel, she wanted to be in charge of it, so it was time for her to split rather than wait for some other kind of thing to happen to get her kicked out. It took her a while to realize that she could continue on track, that she could stay out of trouble and make it in school."

Pam was able to do more for Brandy by doing less. Quietly and consistently, she was simply there for her. She never passed judgment on Brandy's behavior, and Brandy never imposed on Pam's personal life. They developed a relationship based on acceptance and trust, which are not the same as love and intimacy.


Stage Three: Dealing With Issues of Loss
The final stage of your role as a CASA provides you with an opportunity to help your child resolve issues of loss left over from earlier relationships. You will have had many chances to see how your child deals with disappointment and loss throughout your months with him. If he changes foster homes, or a grandmother dies, or reunification fails, or if his
father does not arrive for a scheduled visit, you will see him react in his own unique way. He may withdraw, or regress, or act-out, or become unnaturally cheerful. He may deny that anything is bothering him at all or become so absorbed in his sorrow that he cannot get on with his life.

In the long run, it is always best for a child to have a clear understanding of the reality of her life. She may not need to know the details of a parent's addiction or crimes, but she should have realistic expectations of her own future. You can help her develop an age-appropriate understanding of her own feelings, especially about loss. However she responds when bad things happen, you have a chance to help her understand her own emotions.

The healthy boundaries you develop throughout your relationship will help make the final separation tolerable. Let your child know that you believe that he will be happy and do well in his life and assure him that you will be happy and doing well in yours.

Here are some specific steps you can take to make the end of your relationship a healthy experience for your child:

1) prepare for the end of your involvement as her CASA by explaining the role of the court in her life at every stage in the proceedings;

2) talk about expectable feelings and how you have seen him react to losses in the past;

3) validate her actual feelings, no matter what they may be;

4) teach him how to get help if he feels unsafe in his placement in the future;

5) provide her with a photograph or other memento to remind her that you are fine and that you had wonderful times together;

6) define the follow-up contact you will have (phone calls, post cards, etc.). Be as explicit as possible and be sure to live up to your promises. Let him be in control of the kind of contact if at all possible.

You can make a difference in your child's life by teaching her how to separate without anger or blame and by teaching her that she can still be safe and whole when you are no longer there.

—Libby Colman, Ph.D.